A recent study by the respected Pecksniff Institute has revealed that over one-hundred percent of teenagers in the United States have never heard of Josiah Blimpberg. That the inventor of the Reverberating Gas Belch has fallen into obscurity is a sure sign that America's children are being transformed into an underclass of illiterate slum-dwellers content to waste their lives listening to "jazz" music and playing soccer in negro clothes. Nothing good can come of a society peopled by such Obamacized feral street urchins except many more sanctimonious articles similar to this written by me and published in this magazine and other right-thinking periodicals. After all, how is an overweight, closeted bigmouth like me supposed to support my wife's Lithium dependency if I cannot keep re-writing the same piece over and over again ad infinitum.
This is what Sarah Palin means when she talks about family values. It is what Ronald Reagan meant when he told me privately that he would return from the dead to lead his people against the forces of Marx and the heathenism. And yet, incredibly, the liberal elite in control of the New York Times still refuse to hire me to pen a daily editorial denouncing the New York Times for being an organ of the liberal elite. It is time that we stopped appeasing these unpatriotic appeasers who seek to appease us with their policy of appeasement and free Hugo Ahmajinedad temporary tattooes. In fact, I personally challenged Mahmoud Chavez and his international terrorist friends to a belching contest at the burger chain of his choice. So far the pinko coward has declined to face me. Is that because he is a salad-eating wimp like his idol Adolf Hitler or, more likely, because the President of Iranq has a personal vendetta against me and does not want me to earn the Medal of Honor for meat-eating services to my country? These are the kind of tough questions our present socialist government cannot - will not - answer. It is true, I do not give a damn about the so-called environment. But unlike many of my colleagues in the conservative movement, I am very concerned about climate change. Indeed, quite often my daughter turns the heat on when it's still only just below freezing in the house. When will she learn that being locked in her bedroom and forced to read the complete works of Josiah Blimpberg by candlelight in sub-zero temperatures is the best preparation for life? I only wish that my own father had given me the same advantages instead of paying my way through prep school and college and pulling strings to get me this full-time job on the Weekly Low Standard
