No More Perc Perks

I have finally decided to expel the psychoactive stimulant caffeine from my daily diet. The expensive, stainless-steel espresso machine in my kitchen now stands idle where once it steamed and gurgled a cheery greeting: four-hundred dollars poured down the drain along with the last dregs of my last cup of morning coffee. I suppose I could always drink the decaffeinated version, but that is rather like reading L'Etranger without any Albert Camus in it. Fortunately I quit reading L'Etranger many years ago, about the same time I switched from French Roast to Lavazza and from short pants to long, and so I don't have to worry about existential literature withdrawal anymore. But my current coffee abstention, now that's another matter altogether. I imagine lethargically pursuing my personal and professional business across a foggy no-man's-land of mental sludge, and then collapsing to the floor from the effort of producing jaw-cracking yawns like some cartoon sloth suddenly bereft of animation. In fact, I can barely sustain the key-tapping energy required to finish typing this blog post, but there is one more vital piece of information I must impart to you: when using most espresso machines, it is important that ... er, don't use ....er ..... digestion, black stuff ... some kind of bean, I forget ... ugggh.