I have at least five pairs of shoes in desperate need of repair, so last night I placed all five pairs on my fireplace, next to a bottle of diet Pepsi, two blueberry muffins and a handful of chocolate covered peanuts. Unbelievably, I awoke this morning to discover that my shoes were still in desperate need of repair! Even the appetizing repast I had left out remained untouched.
What, I demand to know, were all the friendly elves and goblins who live in the walls doing all night? Probably drunk stupid on toadstool wine I'll wager. What a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing little people.
It was the same story when I wanted the couch moved from one room to another. Six walnuts, a can of ginger ale, half a snickers bar, and the bloody couch didn't move an inch! Where, I ask you, are all the brawny ogres who don't mind a bit of heavy lifting? Prowling around at the fairyland disco with a jug of dandelion ale trying to pick up woodland nymphs I'll be bound!
It is a disgrace that in this day and age you cannot find a single make-believe character to do a fair days work for a fair days pile of junk food.
What is the world coming to? Next thing you know, the witch who lives down the road will have to build a house out of crack cocaine if she wants to attract any plump little children.
