There were few approved grooming supplies for men when I was young. Unscented soap, obviously; full blast aerosol antiperspirants; Old Spice pre and post shaving lotions; perhaps a dab of trial-sized Aqua di Parma cologne from last year's Christmas stocking for special occasions. But that was about it. Even hair gel would be remarked upon and mocked if visible to the naked eye. I would sometimes, I admit guardedly, sprinkle a tiny amount of talcum powder on myself after a bath on Sunday night.
Nowadays, a bewildering array of tonics, ointments, moisturizers and balms are available for the hygienic male. No longer limited to sandalwood and bay rum, he can swan around town reeking of exotic African spices and rare Peruvian fruit. And, bizarrely, he is more likely to be beaten up by street thugs if he does not smell like a pampered popinjay. Even ranch hands and road workers apply a small amount of eye cream each night to prevent crows feet. And who can blame them? "Designer" stubble is fine and dandy, but when unkempt and combined with flaky skin and blotchy flesh tones is considered a sure sign of secret and unhealthy vice ... such as, horror of horrors, being an old-fashioned regular joe.
Once upon a time men simply went to bed. Now we have a nighttime beauty regimen. This is why I'm creating my own exclusive range of male grooming supplies called Testicolo, which is the Italian word for testicle. TheTesticolo brand will feature exciting and original products such as holistic nasal bulbs, buttock varnish in a variety of rugged finishes, personal toenail lathes, scalp scrubs and scrapers, auto-deodorizing armpit balloons (imported form Turkey), and our signature line of cooling scrotum salves. These groundbreaking products might seem somewhat obscure at first glance, but I call it thinking outside the Drakkar Noir gift box.
I'm conjuring with the idea of David Beckham being the face of Testicolo. Actually, it's between him and just anyone who looks really clean when photographed in black and white wearing only a pair of underpants on a beach. It's difficult to come across as sexy with a pair of nasal bulbs stuck up each nostril, but surely a gentlemen with clean, dry noses are more appealing than any aquiline nosed hunk dripping snot everywhere.
Of course, there is always a chance my innovative products will end up on the dollar store shelves rather than in a locked glass case at Saks Fifth Avenue. Alas, such is the fate of many pioneers in the masculine bath and body business. But I'm well-coiffed man enough to take that risk. Although, to be honest, the margin on a dollar for a bottle of buttock varnish is still pretty good. Roll on profits, in more ways than one!
