It is an oft-repeated fact that roughly seventy-percent of the Earth's surface is water, but did you also know that a further twelve percent of our world is covered with golf courses? That's even more acreage than colossal land masses such as airport shopping and unsold copies of the Boston Globe take up.
Golf, usually pronounced "goaf," is a form of self-flagellating penance performed by misogynist weaklings armed with over-sized dental tools. Some woman also undergo golf but they are deemed to be honorary men for the day. The most extreme example of golfing guilt and self-loathing occurred in 1969 when Neil Armstrong had himself fired as far away from human contact as possible so that he could endure pitch-n-putt on a barren rock floating in space.
The aforementioned golf courses, those grassy arenas where golfers submit to their tedious rounds, are generally referred to as "greens." But this is a misleading term because these so-called greens also contain brown sand, blue ponds, and a truly repulsive spectrum of synthetic trouser and sweater color-combinations.
The purpose of the golfing punishment remains unknown, mostly because it is so boring that nobody has bothered to investigate its origins.
