1. I recycle everything. Including my own urine. I pour the urine into gallon-size recyclable plastic containers and leave it on the kerbside. It's not my fault the stupid recycling people don't collect the stuff. It's their bloody job! My fascist neighbors can complain all they like, but at least I'm saving the planet.
2. I only wear shoes made out of hemp. When a particular pair gets worn out I simply roll them into cigarettes and smoke them, thus saving on the plastic bags I used to have to buy my marijuana in.
3. I have reduced my carbon footprint by limiting my travel to only absolutely necessary journeys, such as my annual trips to the Climate Change conferences in Peru, Switzerland, Fiji and Nigeria, and whatever World Bank protests are happening around the world at any given time. And even then I literally cry for the entire duration of all my flights.
4. My house consumes absolutely no electricity or gas whatsoever. All our domestic appliances are powered by a enormous treadmill operated by my wife and children. I have sole responsibility for the wind turbine, which is constantly activated by the vast amount of whole grains and root vegetables I eat.
5. Because the mere fact of human existence is so damaging to the environment, I have taken the only ethically responsible course of action open to me: I am committing suicide by eating too much killer red meat and lots of unhealthy puddings every day. It is a very slow and lingering death as punishment for all my past crimes against Middle Earth. Whoops! I mean Mother Earth, of course.
